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Sandra, 33

Sex was a reminder that I’m still me. That this identity still exists, which is really important because you do lose it a bit, especially in the early weeks of becoming a mother

I was so nervous about sex after having a baby. I was scared about it hurting. But Roy was very gentle. I cried when I orgasmed for the first time after I’d given birth. My body hadn’t been used for pleasure in so long. I was also having a lot of issues with breastfeeding at the time; my nipples were so painful and I felt as if my body was not my own. Roy touched me with his fingers and I found it so emotional to know that I could take pleasure from my body again. It was a reminder that I’m still me.

Sex was quite painful for a while, which was upsetting, but I think that is also normal. I had an episiotomy, so I had a lot of fear about the stitches breaking, but they healed quite quickly. I think the pain came from being dry down there, which is a side-effect of breastfeeding.

We took it really slow and built back into it. Ultimately, sex is an important part of relationships; it’s something you do just for the two of you. And now that we have a one-year-old baby, everything else we do is for him.

Thankfully, Roy is really good at initiating sex these days. He was reluctant while I was pregnant because he could imagine the baby inside me and it freaked him out, so I was the one making the moves. But because I’m often tired now, sex is not at the front of my mind. When the baby goes down for a nap, Roy is good at saying we should have sex, and it’s always a great idea because we feel so much closer afterwards.

I find it hard to fully switch off as it’s difficult knowing that the baby might wake up at any time, especially if we’re in the same room. But it’s always worth doing it anyway, to snatch those moments when we have them.

Before the baby, we had sex about twice a week. Now we haven’t had sex for a few weeks and I would definitely like to have more, but bringing up a child together is so intimate. It makes you love each other so much because you’re doing this crazy thing together. And when we do have sex, I have much more intense orgasms now.

Roy, 34

Sex is now feast or famine. It is very important in a relationship, but I do think quality is massively more important than quantity

I was more resistant to having sex while Sandra was pregnant as I was visualising there being three in the bed, and found it very hard to get that out of my head. I was absolutely not feeling it towards the end, but Sandra was. When you’re expecting a child, you’re very conscious that how the mother is feeling emotionally during her pregnancy might have some kind of impact on the baby’s temperament. Sex is euphoria, so when we had sex we’d always joke and think, great, that’s going to stave off the baby’s depression.

Sandra was really horny in the weeks immediately after giving birth, but there was fear of pain and discomfort. I urged her to take the lead on what we did sexually, and said I’d follow. Even though we’ve been together for 14 years and know each other so well, I didn’t know what felt good for her. Giving birth is such an extraordinary thing for the body to go through.

After having a baby, sex is either feast or famine. It is very important in a relationship, but quality is massively more important than quantity. We’ve been very communicative throughout our relationship and we’ve never let it turn into a problem if we’re not having enough sex. I’m not concerned about having less sex now as I know this is a very specific moment in our lives. I’m not over-questioning it.

But of course we don’t own our time any more. We can’t schedule anything, so my belief is that if we do have any time to ourselves, we should allot it for sex. For example, the other day when the baby was asleep in my arms, I texted Sandra saying that if I get him down, we should have a go. She was up for it – but then the baby started crying and that was that. I’ve learned you have to act fast and be in the moment.